Deactivating Mode

Can you feel you heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?

by Underoath

Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that - is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.

*quoted from empunya Morgan

Matter of Heart

Text from Mak on April 27, 2009

"Nanti bila Mak n Abah dah sampai rumah, jangan tanya Abah pape tau. Abah menangis jegh sepanjang jalan ni.."

Orang kata askar ni keras, garang. Yer, Abah sememangnya garang. Kami adik beradik semua dah merasa penangan tali pinggang askar Abah yang tebal tu. Tapi hakikatnya, Abah kat luar jegh nampak garang, tapi bila masuk bab-bab family matters ni, hati Abah hanya sekeras kaca. Pantang dihempuk, pasti berderai pecah. Itulah Abah yang aku kenal. Sejurus sampai, aku jengah Mak kat bilik and tanya pasal Abah. Mak cakap, sepanjang-panjang perjalanan, airmata Abah tak berhenti-henti menitik. Abah drive straight dari Kedah ke KL, tak berhenti even satu hentian pun. "Yela, Abah tengah sedih lagi tu. Siapa tak sedih, adik sendiri meninggal..", sambung Mak. Even masa hari pengkebumian arwah, Abah was the last person to leave the cemetery. Kata Abah, "Abah tak sampai hati nak balik sebenarnya. Bukan apa, kan malaikat Munkar dan Nakir akan mula menyoal selepas 7 langkah orang yang terakhir tinggalkan kubur seseorang tu..". Sekali lagi Abah sebak..

Malam tadi sempat berborak sekejap dengan Abah, Abah cakap Abah terkilan tak dapat turunkan arwah sama-sama sampai ke liang lahat, sebab setibanya Abah kat tanah perkuburan, kubur arwah sudah separuh dikambus tanah. "Abah sampai sama-sama dengan kereta jenazah time tu, cuma lewat kejap nak cari parking. Sampai-sampai, tanah dah separuh. Rezeki Alang kot, dipermudahkan bahagian dia. Semua urusan cepat jegh. Masa mandikan jenazah pun senang, badan arwah terkulai lembut jegh. Muka putih bersih. Tapi tu la, orang lain (bukan adik-beradik) semua Abah turun sampai ke liang lahat, tapi Alang...". Abah dah tak mampu nak teruskan kata-kata. Dalam diam, Mak angkat-angkat kening, signal supaya topik tu tak diperpanjangkan lagi. Aku paham, Mak just tak mahu Abah sedih.

Aku teringat masa mula-mula Pak Lang admitted kat kampung. It was two months ago. Time tu Abah baru jegh hantar Pak Lang balik kampung sebab Pak Lang ada checkup kat HUKM if I'm not mistaken. Then a few days later, Mak Tok telefon Abah bagi tau Pak Lang admitted. Aku ada terdengar Abah cakap kat Mak, "Biarlah Norma dengan Ani pulak yang balik.", and Abah terus masuk bilik untuk solat Asar. But then after a short while, I've heard Mak was comforting Abah.. yes, Abah was crying. And I? I just couldn't help but cry when I overheard the convo between Mak and Abah. I don't even dare to get out from my room at that time. It really broke my heart seriously, sayu rasa hati mendengar Abah menangis.. airmata aku mula menitik laju. How I wish he will be doing just fine, how I wish I could do something to ease his burden.. how I wish *sigh*.
An awkward moment it was...

Hospital Taiping, Perak
Khamis, 6:02 pagi
April 23rd, 2009

Dari-Nya kita datang dan kepada-Nya kita kembali
innalillahi wainna ilaihi raaji’unn
Al-Fathihah buat Allahyarham Pak Lang
Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya dan semoga Allahyarham ditempatkan bersama kalangan mereka yang beriman.

April and It's Chronology

If you could go back..
and just change one thing about your life, would you?
And if you did, would that change make your life better?
Or would that change ultimately break your heart?
Or break the heart of another?
Would you choose an entirely different path?
Or would you change just one thing?
Just one moment.. one moment that you've always wanted back.

OK, April didn't treating me good this year. Kronologi yang tak menggembirakan sama sekali.

Had a car accident on 4th and I've just found out yesterday that the workshop where I've sent my car to, is setting me up regarding the claim thingy. They said they're claiming from the insurance of the person who knocked me (3rd party), instead Kurnia informed me that they're claiming mine actually. (@#$%^&)

Tons of assignments to be submitted. Alhamdullilah I'm done with the rest, left only one final assignment that need to be handed by today which I still haven't finish it yet. I'd prefer blogging rather than typing my assignment. Urgh.. hectic!

Playing "layang-layang" is much way harder from what I've thought. I'm getting tired each time. The "kite" that I tightly held all this while, seems like has slowly changed its direction as the wind blows and it keeps on drifting "itself" away from me each time I'm pulling back the string. I've tried my best to hold on tight to it.. but I slipped.

It's a strange world
It's a very strange world that leaves me
Holding on to nothing when there's nothing left to lose

And last two days, Pak Lang.. adik abah, has just passed away somewhere around subuh. He was admitted in Hospital Taiping for few days already. Lately memang kerap sangat keluar masuk hospital, his condition was not so good. His health condition getting worse each time. Hurm.. I wanna write more about Pak Lang's story but I guess I'll just stop here first and will continue later. Am off to class, it's 6:50am already. Toodles!

p/s: Hurm.. April, I'm tired! Can't you just stop from treating me bad?

The rest of your life is a long time
and whether you know it or not, it's being shaped right now

You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate
or bad luck or bad choices
or.. you can fight back

Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world
that's just the way it is
but for the most part you get what you give

Let me ask you all a question - What's worse:
not getting everything you wished for
or getting it but finding out it's not enough?

The rest of your life is being shaped right now
with the dreams you chase, the choices you make
and the person you decide to be

The rest of your life is a long time
and the rest of your life starts right now..

How's Life Treating You?

Everyday is a new day
I’m thankful for every breath I take
I won’t take it for granted

Alive by POD

Lona, a close friend of mine just got back from Mecca this morning. Her company sponsored a trip for Umrah for the whole team. Wow, isn't she lucky? Alhamdulillah, rezeki nak kahwin agaknya, she's getting married in June, just another 1 month plus more to go. Supposely aku jadi pengapit dia but then, in the very last minute, I've changed my mind and asked her not to rely on me as I'm afraid that I couldn't come to her wedding sebab clashing dengan wedding Boboy, cousin sebelah mak. Anyway, bertuahnya badan punya peluang menadah tangan dan berdoa sendiri di hadapan Kaabah rumah Allah, kan? Agak terharu when she told me, "Jangan risau Suerie, aku ada doakan untuk kau. Aku doa kat depan pintu Kaabah, supaya kau dipertemukan jodoh yang baik. Aku tak lupa sebut nama kau, jangan risau OK?". Oh dear, thank you so much!!! It really means alot to me, love you mucho! I'm touched..

Oh ya, just now a friend buzz me at YM and said, "There is..". Actually he was referring to my YM status, I wrote - There's nothing absolute. Then, I quickly replied back "OK, please exclude God and akhirat thingy. What I meant here is in our life, nothing is guaranteed". "How's life treating you anyway?", another question popped out from him. "Well, some treating me good.. some are not :) ". Yesterday another friend of mine asked me something, something that related to the title of my entry. "Have you ever feel that you have given so much efforts but never get the right amount back?" and I said, "Well, I've heard this somewhere - Everything in this world is only material. Don't give 100% on anything as there's no guarantee and nothing is absolute in this world." He paused for a while and said, "I guess.. when we give out something.. we shouldn't expect for any return.. is that it? But it's kinda sad that you know you have given out 110% of something but the return is not even 50%. Sometimes it makes you think whether it's worth it or not.. hurm".

Well, I asked him to read between the lines of what I've said previously. Personally I believe that, it's not that we need to stop putting hope on something after so much efforts that we have given to it BUT we need to know up to what extend we can keep on hoping. Not everything follows according to what we have planned, aite? Sometimes it goes off track and sometimes, with God's will.. everything will be running smoothly. It's like riding a bike. Everyone falls off and scrapes their knees sometimes. After all, sh*t happens, kan?

Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore.
Is there still right and wrong?
Good and bad?
Truth and lies?
Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey.
Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it.
Cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making.
And sometimes things simply catch up to us.


** taken from One Tree Hill

Analyzing The Sound

Keep on looping this song for the past few hours while writing the new entry for my blog (masih mengarang, tak sesiap jugak). Anyway, thanks Wani for the song, and thanks for keeps on feeding me great songs and lyrics. Penyelamat, or else I'll keep on spinning Single White Balloon all day long. Feed me more please, I don't mind and h*ll yes, sometimes I'm a little bit picky in term of melody/lyrics. Harap maklong :)

Looking up I won't wither away
When the sun won't shine
and the skies are a shade of grey
It won't rain forever.. raincoats are cheap

I'll just smile if she's standing me up
I'll just walk around
and dance in the flood instead
It won't rain forever.. forever is ours to keep

And she is pulling me up, she's dragging me down
Arrives on the scene analyzing the sound
Floats in my head, the things that she said
Fixing up lunch.. got nothing to do
It's there in our face but we don't have a clue
Happens again, it's dragging me down
Analyzing the sound..

She'll hang up and I'm left in the dark
She might be offline but I'm never all alone
It won't rain forever.. the city never sleeps

I'll just walk as I look at the stars
If I can't see one, it's a cloudy stormy night
It won't rain forever.. forever is ours to keep


** sung and written by Acap F

Adam vs Kris

OMG, how come I missed the part where Kris Allen singing Falling Slowly from Once OST on American Idol last week?? Dang! If Lieya didn't told me last night about it, I won't even know seh. I did watched AI last week, yes I did but err.. how to say this, actually after Adam Lambert done with his song, I straightly jumped to other channel.. ho ho ho! ANYWAY, I'm really into this song lately, I'm spinning it every now and then, and you can even find the lyrics in my previous entry. That is why I'm really suprised when I've been told that Kris sang this song last week. Like.. isn't that ironic? MFEO, meant for each other! He makes me love this song even more.. and the chorus.. that's my favourite part out of all, sigh!

Take this sinking boat and point it home..
We still got time..


p/s: By the way, Adam Lambert still own me and don't get me wrong. I know that Adam isn't that straight and even some peeps labeled him as gay, but hey.. who cares? Only talent that matters.

another p/s: Gosh, youtube has took out the vid. Well, just right click the URL below to download the MP3 of his live performance during that episode kay? Toodles

download: Click Here

99 Balloons: 99 Days of Baby Elliot

website: Click to read
youtube: Click to watch


99 Balloons

I've watched this on Oprah last Sunday, very touching sad video. It's about letters wrote to Baby Elliot, by his daddy, Matt.

Eventho Matt and Ginny (the parent) knew that their son, Elliot wasnt live for long even before he was born but still, they were going to enjoy every second they did have with him. Ginny even said, "I will be sad later."

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote:
Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone;
And do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering

Seriously, you guys must watch this! ;'( *sad*

Silly Suerie

Melt.. Melt!

Banyak pulak lagu comel sekarang ni, for instance: 1234 by Plain White T's. This song is everywhere now, I mean no matter which radio station you tuning to, you will find this song spinning. Well, I don't have a problem with that because because because (berbunyi gedik) you know what, I love this song the very the muchies! *grin*

(moving my body side to side while listening to this song)

Oh ANYWAY last night, I had this silly dream. I dreamt of a softball player, a stranger out of nowhere. Scene adalah di tepi padang, and there was a softball player swinging his bat in the middle of the field. And then, out of sudden this guy came to me and spilled out all his problemo. Eventho agak weird, tapi maybe sebab ni mimpi yang tak pernah ada logik behind it, maka I was just doing my job, comforting him whatsoever. Suddenly, scene berubah, bukan lagi di tepi padang, tiba-tiba dah kat rumah mana ntah but watak masih sama, me and the softball player. Scene ni yang best ni because suddenly he took my hands and told me that he would like me to meet his parent (WOW, so fast!). He said he fell for me as I always there when he needed someone. (Err OK.. I think I've heard this part somewhere, have I?) ANYWAY, yang paling tak boleh blah ialah kenapa aku tiba-tiba dalam keadaan baru lepas mandi, dengan rambut basah and sedang berkemban dengan towel???? Perosak suasana! Tu la orang cakap, mimpi tak selalu indah. (@#$^*#)

Sedang elok-elok layan mamat tu berbunga-bunga bahasa, aku terjaga pulak. Urgh, tak best! I even tried to put myself back to sleep, but seems like it doesn't work as there was a voice inside my head yelling at me "WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK!". Again, (@#$^*#)

Another pointless entry and pointless dream, tapi mimpi Wani lagi cool, LOL! Tapi kan, kenapa mesti softball player??? Am I missing any of 5th college softball players during Uni time?? *ding ding*

And another pointless things to do is: SPW - self-photo whoring, LOL! Oh God, TISL (this is so lame)!

Du Du Du Du DU

Dang! I'm in the middle of boredom. I didn't get enough sleep last night, watched too much TV.. bleghh! And I won't get enough sleep for the rest of the week as I need to re-do the term paper for Enterprise System, everyone need to re-do again. Saturday, submit ES term paper. Sunday, submit another term paper and the most important thing is - FINAL EXAM for Dr Laila's subject!!! *screaming* Tips: None - Dr Laila kata soalan pun dia belum buat lagi and she said, it gonna be an openbook exam. Easy? Tetttttt! Openbook means HARD ok, HARD! Oh God, semua orang pun tak boleh nak predict soalan, Problem Solving? The scope is too damn wide. Plus Dr Laila is a THINKER, full of philosophy. The way she looks at things is very different, she could simply twist our perspective on something as simple as that. She can really open up our mind to think of something that is out of the box, which I really adore that. However, when it comes to exam.. h*ll, how to apply all the methodology/theories/paradigm? Too many inputs, too many to absorb. It's not about memorizing now, it's about the understanding. And to understand all those, adoi.. headache! Goodluck then, Suerie!

Gosh, I do realized since the very beginning that studying/working at the same time won't be easy but I don't know that it will gonna be this tough, or is it because this is our first semester and we're still in the middle of COPING period? Hurm.. might be. Anyway, here it goes, the playlist for today:

Anyone Else But You by The Moldy and Peaches

A friend, texted me at 4am two days ago, telling me to listen to this song. Haih, macam tak ada hari siang. Nasib baik lagu ini comel, du du du du du but you!

Puisi Tentang Seseorang by Dian

Ini semua gara-gara Wani suruh tolong downloadkan, lama tak dengar.. layan pulak

Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard

Oh, I love this part "take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time"

Snow Brigade by Mew

If you guys see any MEW band here, it's Chucky's fault. She keeps on floading my window with Mew's lyrics today.

Single White Balloon by Wani Ardy

Keep on humming this since last Friday.

One Ray of Sunlight by Phantom Planet
The lyrics..

Forever and Ever by Mew

Another Mew.. "I miss you forever and ever if you should fall apart.. can't stay forever together in obstructed lie"

505 by Arctic Monkey

One word: goosebump!

Trees by Marty Casey
And I know there's more for us in this life
If we hold on
If we hold strong
I know there's more for us in this life
Can we hold on, can we hold on?

Anyone Else But You

I won't post any lyrics today, my blog already floaded by them as for now. However, please do check out this song. Really damn cute it is. A friend asked me to listen to it, well I'm kinda like it and I hope you will too :)

Anyone Else But You by The Moldy Peaches
taken from a movie named Juno

download: Right-click here

p/s: I know this is an old song few years back and I'm glad my friend told me about this cutie song.. du du du du du but you! *giggles*

Stranger: We Were

Have you ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?
It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you.
How many moments of other peoples life have we been in.
Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true?
Or were we there when their dream died?
Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there.
Or did the shot take us by surprise?

Just think, you could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it.


taken from One Tree Hill

Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard/Marketa Irglova

I don't know you but I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, sing your melody
I'll sing along

ZeroFourZeroFourZeroNine

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you, dear Sir!
Happy Birthday to you

*hugs and smoochies*

Selamat hari ulangtahun yang ke-38.. eh ke-28, sayang! *grin*

And I've a suprise for you, sayang! I'll snap a picture of "it" tomorrow, OK? Only the picture la but you wouldn't get the real "picture" of "it" ofcoz, LOL! Nama pun suprise kan *wink* but I don't know whether you'll like "it" or not, hopefully you do. :)

Again, Happy Birthday to you! Wish you many years of happiness, err ok not many years but endless happiness ofcoz. Wish you best of luck in your beloved career, yes I know that you really love your job totally. And I would like you to know that I'm trying my best to be as supportive as I could. Dan ucapan seterusnya, akan bersambung di email sahaja.. ehem! ;P

And one more thing before we forgot, it's our 3rd month! Mohon dengan sangat Dia makbulkan hajat hati *smile*. Owh ya, about the sketch.. sorry if it's too childish yer, hehe!


Love,
Your dearest binguks.
*laga-laga hidung macam dalam sketch*


p/s: esok baru anta email sebab esok baru nak snap gambar "itu" :)

Peace of Mind

I miss this - membebel through writing. I do realize that I have a lot to say but with the tendency that I have - short term memory loss - I always end up do nothing about it by the end of the day. And to find the right word to say, is another thing. How I wish my words are as good as Fynn, as quizzical as Wani, as thoughtful as this-one-particular-blogger. However I know, this kind of thought would never give me somewhat people called the "Peace of Mind". PERFECT would never be part of human ofcourse. And talking about "Peace of Mind", I've been looking for "it" lately and trying to achieve the level where I could actually be able to convince myself to be back on "track" and start counting my blessing instead of the other way round. But as Fynn's said, satan will do whatever it takes to bring us down, made us to stop believing and having faith in God. I shouldn't think too much, I know. Instead, I should lay back and just live the life that I have created. Stop minding God's business. I've read somewhere on the net - "God equips us to handle everything we need for the day and He'll do the same for us tomorrow. What's the point in worrying about what lies ahead when God has it all under control." True, I shouldn't be afraid anymore when He will always be there for me .. for all of us. Why should I worry then? Maybe.. I am afraid to be vulnerable. Who don't? :)

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote:
Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone;
And do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

I know I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who's worrying over every little thing and it takes away the enjoyment of life. So, lets do this together - take a very deep breath, let go and move forward, shall we? Walking through life is hard, but doing it alone is not as meaningful as sharing it with someone that we truly care. Aite?

There comes a time when every life goes off course.
In this desperate moment you must choose your direction.
Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are?
Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice?
Or will you embrace your new path?
Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.